The Bill Comes Due

It was her.

After all these years there was no mistaking that high pitch, sickly sweet voice. Even over the chatter of the patrons in the crowed bar on Narendra Station, Stahl could hear that shrill tone. The timbre of her voice permeated through his Starfleet uniform and his usually impenetrable guise, shaking him to the bone. Not even the sub-zero winds of his home world of Andor could freeze him so. His body was petrified, yet he could still feel his bones reverberating from her piercing tones.

It was definitely her.

After what seemed an eternity, Stahl turned back towards the source of the sound. Slowly, they came in to view. Several Starfleet officers sat around a table sharing drinks and laughter. A Vulcan, a Bajoran, a Trill, a Betazoid, a Tellarite, and a Human wearing captain’s pips. But they didn’t matter. Sitting in the middle, standing out with her antennae and blue skin. Laughing. Happy.

It was her.

Throlo Sh’shirros.

The Butcher of 706.

It had been four years since Stahl had endured the ‘pleasure’ of her company. That had been in a mining facility on Andor 706. As a fellow servant, he had seen her work first hand. The medical facilities in the mine were limited. There were no medicines or pain killers, let alone surgical facilities. Any injuries that were not able to be mended with a bandage or a splint were amputated, and the good Doctor Sh’shirros was very good at amputation.

Stahl had been lucky, if you could call it that. He had never needed the services of Doctor Sh’shirros for more than a few cuts and abrasions. Others in the mine were not so lucky. Stahl could only look on in horror as once proud Andorians were mutilated by the Doctor. He knew there was no other treatment for them, but that did stop his feelings of anguish upon seeing his fellow broken both physically and mentally by the process.

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

When Doctor Sh’shirros arrived they vowed to use their position to help the people in the mine. During their time in the mine, Throlo helped as best she could. Eventually though, she left the facility, as all do one way or another, and there ended her responsibility to those left behind. She had promised to help them, but it seems promises mean nothing once you leave.
The slaves continued working under those abysmal conditions for several more years. It was only through the efforts of another doctor, Doctor Vreeza, that the mining facility was shut down. Doctor Vreeza had stayed in the mine, and despite increasing age and ill health, worked hard to bring the plight of those indentured there to the Andorian government. Eventually the mine was shut down, and Doctor Vreeza was a hero. Sadly he did not survive long past the closure of the mine, the increased labour of freeing the people there taking its toll on him. Perhaps if Doctor Sh’shirros had kept her promise, Doctor Vreeza…

Lost in reverie, Stahl had not noticed that his hand was bleeding. He had been clutching on to something so tight that he had sliced open his palm on the metal attached to the wooden handle. Blood slowly flowed across the serrated blade of the Ushaan-tor. The mining tool, also used in Andorian honour duels, reflected Stahl’s face back at him. Looking back at himself, he wondered if he was right to do this. He had killed before, but only out of necessity. This was revenge. How could he take revenge and yet still wear his Starfleet uniform? How could he maintain his own value of not letting anyone else get hurt unnecessarily, yet still satisfy his yearning for vengeance? Was it vengeance? Or was it justice?

Justice for all those Doctor Throlo Sh’shirros left behind.

Justice for those that died unnecessarily.

Justice for Doctor Vreeza.

The butcher’s bill comes due.

The Community I Call Home

Since the dawn of the internet, people have found spaces where they can congregate with other like-minded souls to discuss and share opinions about things they love. BBS, IRC, Usenet, MySpace, Facebook, Reddit, Twitter – there have been many places where communities have grown and thrived. What was important was not where the community was, but rather what it was about. Unfortunately, not all communities are equal.

Internet communities can be a mixed bag. The thin veil of anonymity that pervades the internet affords individuals the freedom to act without the fear of repercussions. Newton’s Third Law, that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, holds true for the physical world, but holds no weight in a world where individuals can shield themselves from the fallout of their own actions.

Some online communities are notorious for their lack or ethics or respect for their fellow humans. We have all seen these deplorable people. They are the trolls, the haters, the discordant. They are the ones that spread their brand of vile hatred beyond their own association and infect the lives of other people.

Thankfully, not every community is like this. There are safe places on the internet where people can congregate and discuss their common interests. These are places that champion ideals like respect, inclusion, and understanding. One such place that I like to call home is Geek and Sundry, and specifically the community around one of their shows – VAST.

VAST is a show about people from different backgrounds and with different ideals working together despite those difference to achieve a common goal. The show deals with difficult issues around sexuality, inclusion, existence, love, family, and betrayal. The characters deliver heart-felt and honest performances as they discover as much about themselves as about the story they tell.

It’s also an RPG, and it is set in space.

The cast of VAST

Whilst the show is arguably a masterpiece of storytelling and performance, what is most remarkable about it is the small but effervescent community that has grown around it. Through a variety of mediums, the fans of the show have built a kinship with each other that is somehow greater than the show itself. This society of ‘Vastronauts’ is built upon the same principals of the show – respect, inclusion, and fellowship.

Despite the level of anonymity afforded through cyberspace, the people of the VAST community have connected with each other in a way akin to family. Although most have never met in person, Vastronauts openly and honestly discuss issues that are socially awkward or difficult, and each is met with a compassion and grace not found in most corners of the internet. This is a testament to how the characters and players in the show respond to each other when dealing with new or difficult situations.

That is not to say that the community only deals with the more difficult issues in life. Fun and frivolity abounds with games, friendly competitiveness, and an amazing level of creativity. Barely a day goes by where the populace is not in joyful screams over a new piece of art or good news from one of its members. Giddiness abounds during the nonsense of “The Finger Gun Hour” – a self-styled period of absurdity brought on by a combination of joy and fatigue. In a community based on a game that features a transgender space cockroach and a ten dimensional entity with swag, this is not weird – it is the norm.

In a world filled with tragedy and torment, an online community such as that which has grown around VAST is a rare and special place. It is a place filled with wonderful people with open hearts. It is a light in a storm, a beacon of hope. It is a society that build joys, champions inclusion, and cares of its members.

It may be small, but its power is vast.

Blocked and Broken

I am a member of a couple of fandoms, to varying extents. One of those that I love is a show I watch on a regular basis. Because of the show, I have become a lot more active on social networks and forums.

Today, one of the cast of the show I love blocked me on Twitter after I made a comment that they deemed to be inappropriate. 

Firstly, I don't blame them for that. They have every right to block anyone they want for any reason. I am not writing this to get back at them or embarrass them - in fact I am not even going to name them or the show. I love them and I love their show. That will never change.

Secondly, I am not defending my tweet. I was trying to be my usual clever, humorous and friendly self and that backfired. The tweet was definitely not one of my best. I wasn't happy with it when I posted it, and I fully regret it. I didn't in any way mean to be insulting, demeaning, creepy, or anything else. That's not who I am.

The reason I am writing this is because I feel guilty. Very guilty. Guilty to the point where I am having a panic attack. I hate the idea that I may have made someone feel uncomfortable, particularly in their own home or other safe place.

To the person who I have offended, I hope you read this and know that I am sorry. I am not looking for a response. I am not asking to be unblocked. I just want you to know I am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

-M

Felicia, Finkle, and Felix...

I was sitting at work the other day, bored out of my gourd as usual, when I decided I would flick on a video to watch in the background while my boss wasn't looking.

I am a regular watcher of Geek and Sundry on Twitch, and by regular I mean every Friday at noon when Critical Role comes on (thank you time zones!). If you don’t know Critical Role, it is nine of the best voice actors around playing D&D live and uncensored. I started watching a few sessions in and got hooked – I even bought the T-shirt. I try to watch it at work, but it is kind of hard with an open planned office. I end up putting it on the more private of my two screens and tabbing out whenever I hear someone start to move from their desk.  Anyway, I think I have gone a little off point…

So I switched on to the Geek and Sundry Twitch stream from E3. I wasn't really into it, so I flicked over to Felicia Day’s channel (the founder of Geek and Sundry), not expecting it to be live, but just to check it out. It turns out she was streaming live whilst playing “Cook, Serve, Delicious!”. I had previously watched a video of the game being played by Felicia and her brother Ryon, so was familiar with the premise.

Firstly, I was amazed by how well she multi-tasked. I was having trouble reading chat and watching the stream at the same time, and yet she was playing the game, reading the stream, and carrying on a conversation to those watching (swearing like a sailor). I have seen her in a few things and am always amazed at how happy and vibrant she is. I don’t know if it’s an “on camera” thing, but it is quite inspiring to someone who is rarely as happy. Again, I digress…

I liked the stream so I subbed and started making some comments in chat (all nice, no trolling). Felicia was answering some of the messages and I was trying to make some intelligent comments in the hopes that she might respond. No luck. I kept trying to make insightful and/or witty remarks however they never made it to her attention. C’est la vie…

As is my way, when I get to the end of the day and go to bed my brain starts buzzing – coming up with new ideas, reviewing old ones, fantasizing about what I would do if I were a Jedi – the usual stuff one thinks about at the end of a long day.  I started thinking about why I was commenting on the stream. After a few hours of following various trains of thought I kept asking myself a simple question: why was I looking for validation from someone I don’t know?

I like to consider myself as being a fairly intelligent person. I not particularly social and spend much of my time on my own, which I am comfortable with for the most part. I don’t like being the centre of attention and shun the spotlight. I always thought of myself as a classic introvert. I’m rather introspective and like to exam both my thoughts and actions. This can often get me into trouble with my own brain as while a little self-examination can be good, a lot can be dangerous, and time + lack of external stimulus = very dangerous.

Don’t worry, there is a point to this...

So, given all those aspects of my personality, why was I making comments on a Twitch stream hoping that someone would answer me? Despite all my tendencies this would seem to be the opposite of my own psyche. This invariably led me to one conclusion:

Everything I thought I knew about myself was wrong.

Case in point: I play D&D once a week (usually). My current character is Finkle Fizzlebottom, Gnome Wizard Extraordinaire (his back-story will go up on my other blog after I have finished that of Raxogar the Paladin). For anyone that knows RPGs, wizards don’t wear any armour and should never be at the head of the group. Yet, as I now realize, I was always trying to lead the group, more than often from the front. I had done this with my previous wizard character, one Lord Argul Montok (a fire Genasi who was a bit of an ass), and he promptly died on his first outing after a spectre popped its head out of a door he was trying to open and proceeded to rip his soul from his body (ahhh… good times…). Looking back at previous D&D characters I saw that I had the same tendencies to try to lead the group. It also led me to realize that I often end up playing the “tank” (a character with high armour and health that is designed to take punishment) in MMORPGs like World of Warcraft or Star Wars:  The Old Republic. Despite me thinking that all I want to do is hide in the background and go unnoticed, all along I had been standing out front as the most visible member of the group. Being the tank also means more often than not you are the leader of any group, which further exacerbates the point.

My best friends recently had a baby and called him Felix. He’s a nice little bub, although I am deathly afraid of holding him. He doesn't really add anything to this story, I just wanted to use the name in the title as it made for good alliteration…

So because I skived off work for about half an hour and watched an internet entrepreneur play a video game about cooking food in a restaurant I realized I had been lying to myself for the last thirty years.

Thank you Felicia Day. I am in your debt.

TV, Movies, Games, and more...

Every now and then I get a little bit creative and come up with an idea for TV show, movie, video game, etc. Probably about half the time I  forget about it before I have a chance to put pen to paper (I normally come up with the ideas while I am trying to sleep, or during that time in the morning when you are half awake and have some control over your dreams). Every now and then though I am able to recall the idea long enough to get something down so that I can then elaborate on it later. I recently shared a couple of my ideas with a friend of mine and he made some good points about them which I had not considered, and which if addressed properly could greatly improve on the stories. So here are a couple of my ideas (FYI if you steal my ideas I will hunt you down and make you eat your own weight in haggis!):

Bounty 

A TV show set 100 years in the future about a mid-20s brother and sister combo of bounty hunters and their crew as they fly around the inner solar system catching criminals, doing random jobs, and figuring out their place in an increasing corrupt world. Sort of a live-action Cowboy Bebop, or an alternate side of Firefly. 

The main characters, Scott and Penny Lawson, are the twin children of a deceased bounty hunter Roger Lawson.  They inherited his space ship and along with their fathers former colleague, a former special-forces soldier and now pacifist Maurice Johnson, have just started to make a living following in their fathers footsteps. Along the way through various means they recruit several new crew members, including a career con man, a young girl with a gift for technology, and about three others that I am still trying to figure out.

Fallen

A video game about an angel Sam (Samael), who is kicked out of heaven for defying orders. Sam can at times be regarded as both good and evil, and as he fights through earth, heaven, and hell to find where he belongs the player must decide which path to take. Decisions are not always black and white, often they are varying shades of grey, and it is up to the player to make the decision as to who they want Sam to be, e.g. a Holy warrior with no mercy, a merciful assassin, a destroyer of worlds, or a pacifist. I am still trying to figure out what format this game will take, it seems to be leading me towards a hack-and-slash but I am not sure if that is the type of game I want it to be.

I know religion is a dangerous genre to play with in computer games, so this game is not meant to be an evangelical statement. It will include some religious characters but it is not meant to be a religious story, rather a story about good and evil and how they can often seem to be not that far opposite to each other.

Modern Ninja

Another video game, this one is an action-adventure/stealth games in a similar mode as the Hitman series. Set in the present day, you play as a ninja who has just finished his/her training when their clan is disowned and destroyed. Vowing vengeance (ok, not that original here, I know), he aligns him/herself with various factions and organizations, learning modern skills and weapons to complement his ninja training in order to to avenge his/her clan.

What I want to achieve here is a game where you can play it any way you want - you can go in guns blazing and kill everyone in sight, use your classical ninja training or stealth and secrecy and achieve your objectives without anyone noticing you, use high-tech equipment and the latest weapons, or go old-school and use your fists and classic ninja weapons. I really want to open it up what a classical ninja would be in the modern day.

I know some people will recall the classical ninja stereotype and say " A ninja using guns!?!?!? That's just wrong", but if you look at what ninjas actually where it is not that improbable that they would use guns if they existed in the modern age. Ninjas where created to accomplish goals that a samurai, because of their Bushido (a samurai's moral code), could not. A ninja was not bound to honor and was designated with achieving their objective by any means necessary. Pop culture often depicts ninjas in black garb, but usually ninjas where hidden in plain clothes or using disguises so as not to draw attention.

I have a few more ideas, but they are not yet as clear or fleshed out as the three here. I have done a lot more work on these than what is shown here, but I would be interested in any feedback.

D-Generation Strikes Again...

Well, not quite.  The mighty D-Generation of the North Shore Cricket Club were defeated by Cammeray today, but we played well and had a great day.  Here are some photos from our batting innings...

PP starts off the innings	I had no idea where this one went...	The boys watch on
Nice form	Good job boys, keep it going	Big D goes for a ig one
Back into battle after the drinks break	Go for it PP!	Brent hits out
Run boys!	Waddaya lookin at?	Great shot Rak!
Brent survives a close run out chance	The beautiful Gore Creek Reserve	Back at the pub
Who is that vagabond drinking a bourbon and coke?	So an Englishman and an Australian walk into a bar...	Our illustrious leader finally arrives

Next week is our last match, hopefully we can put on a great performance against Comenarra.  Thanks to Alain and Mini-PP for helping out with the photos.

Ground Control to Commander Chris...

I had been aware of some the awesome photos taken by Commander Chris Hadfield while he has been aboard the International Space Station, but I didn't know he had been shooting video as well until now. As he is about to leave the ISS behind, he made what is probably the most expensive video clip ever.



Welcome back, Commander.

The Soft Kitty Adventures...

I had dinner the other night with a couple of my best friends. I hadn't seen them since before Christmas, and they had a present for me... a kitteh! Not a real kitty, for none could compare to their own cat Morgan, but a singing Soft Kitty from the TV show The Big Bang Theory. He is very adorable and has come to have several adventures since he came home...

First things first - got to find the right bed for sleeping. This one will do nicely.

A comfy spot.

Playing in the garden, like a tiger in the jungle. Raaaarrr!

Being mischievous. Naughty kitteh.

Watching the tennis. Too close kitteh!

Morning tea - coffee and mini quiches.

Chin scratches are gooooood.

Studying hard. Soft kitty wants to be a smart kitty.

Watching Pride and Prejudice. Soft kitty likes the classics.

Hiding in the laundry basket, getting hair on the clean clothes.

More Soft Kitty adventures to come...

Wibbly-Wobbly... Timey-Wimey... Spacey-Wacey...

Every now and then I have a weird idea about the universe. Usually I have these ideas while I am trying to get to sleep, so they can be a bit weird. The last idea I had was about the dimensions described by M-Theory. It seemed weird to me there are all these extra dimensions that are there to make the math right. Now I'm not saying that's why they're there. I don't have a background in theoretical physics so I don't know how it really works, and as I write now I am realizing how silly my idea must seem to someone who knows about such things...

So my thought was that all these dimensions, while mathematically elegant does not seem to make much sense. What is the real reason that these dimensions exist? Surely the God that I believe in had some kind of purpose for them that we have not yet figured out. My initial thought was that each of these dimensions has a specific force or action associated with is. I initially started out by thinking that light was a particle in one dimension, and what we saw in our dimension as a wave is the interaction between the two dimensions. I then extended this beyond light to gravity having it's own dimension (a theory which is discredited in the physics community) and the 3 other fundamental forces.

This led me on to thinking about what DOES happens when these dimensions interact. When space and time interact in a basic way we get velocity (distance over time). So what happens when the other dimensions interact? Velocity is an integral part of kinetic energy, so does the dimensional interactions we don't know about produce other types of energy? Is energy conserved within each individual dimension or only as a sum of all dimension? How do these dimensions react in the extreme environment of the Big Bang and during the universes inflation?

Speaking of the beginning of the universe, what happens to matter when it is in such a compressed environment? I have read some excerpts from physicists that theorize on this, mainly at the start of the universe, and that got the brain juices flowing again. I started thinking about a black hole and wondered whether there is a critical mass at which the black hole collapses and becomes something else. By this, I don't mean the point at which a star collapses and becomes a black hole, but rather what a black hole becomes. If we were to extrapolate the universe forward to it's near end, and every star has collapsed into a black hole, and the black holes all converge into a single singularity (if that is even possible), what then becomes of the universe? Could the pressure become so large that it causes a massive release of energy and cause a Big Bang 2?

After considering all this I decided it was far beyond my pay grade to know the answers. If you have any answers to my questions (which I'm sure someone does), please tell me how/why I am wrong. I have no doubt that I am wrong on most of my ideas about theoretical physics as I don't really have much education on the subject apart from a couple subjects at uni, two Stephen Hawking books, and watching all of The Big Bang Theory.

And now my head hurts from thinking too much...

A good day...

After a long and exhausting day yesterday, this morning I woke up around 6am. For the first time in a few weeks I got a full nights sleep, around seven hours or so. Feeling refreshed I decided to go for a walk to the shops to buy some cream. It was a beautiful morning, and the cyclists were out in force. I began to wonder how it would be to be that fit again...

After downing a freshly brewed cup of coffee, I found myself cooking up a batch of scones. I have been itching to make scones for the last couple of weeks but have never had the "up and go" to actually do it. I used a recipe from the CWA and as expected - perfection. I have made scones a couple of times in the last few years and have never had them turn out this good. Adding Chantilly cream I made last night and some homemade strawberry jam from a "jam session" last week, I enjoyed myself a nice brunch.

Following brunch, the warm sun encouraged me to do a spot of gardening. Afterwards I spent some time soaking up the vitamin D on the balcony. Apart from some cement being laid in the park next door, it was a very relaxing late morning.

Noon - and it's rugby time. Australia vs Russia. Not the greatest game of the World Cup, but Australia occasionally displayed some of their freaky skills. Full props to the Bears on some great offense and their record score.

2pm - my first yawn of the day.

AFL Grand Final - I was studying and playing WoW for a lot of the first half, so I wasn't really paying attention. Luckily I focused on the football in the second half and saw the Cats beat the Pies. I don't really support either team, but I preferred Geelong to win.

Back to the rugby, and a great game between Scotland and England. The Poms won (unfortunately), but it was an exciting game right to the end. It was quite a contrast to how the Wallabies played earlier. England still exhibited their reckless play in the first half, but the kicking game from both sides was fantastic.

Following the end of the days sport, I whipped up a pizza and settled in to watch... me! Well, not me, but a man of the same name. And yes... bow-ties are cool.

And that was the end of my day. I put the clocks forward an hour and went to bed. So what made it such a good day? Nothing that happened made it particularly good or bad. There was nothing remarkable or memorable. I guess what made it good was how I felt at the time. I didn't feel depressed or tired (except for the odd yawn). I didn't feel lonely or sad. I felt like everything was right and as it should be. I wasn't happy, rather I felt at peace. It has been a long time since I felt like that. Whether it was a full nights rest or something else, I had a good day. That fact gives me hope that I may have a few more in store.

Another year over...

And what have I done?

Nothing. Honestly, I have accomplished nothing this year. I have spent the entirety of it sitting around doing nothing. When someone asks me what I do I respond with "I am a man of leisure", but really I am a bum. A bludger. A waste of space.

Yes, that is how I feel. Maybe it's because of Christmas and New Years (probably), but I feel more depressed than ever. I feel alone and sad. The last two days I have left the seclusion of my room only on those very rare occasions that I need sustenance or need to use the bathroom. That in itself is depressing enough, but now I have started to have those very bad thoughts that I had thought I had banished for good from my consciousness. I won't tell you what they are, some close friends probably already know, but they are not nice and I don't like it, so when I realized what I was thinking I sat down to write this blog and hopefully get it all out.

So, what am I going to do about it? Well, for starters I am going to go out tomorrow, hopefully early in the day to get myself going. If not, I'll go see some friends at a church in the evening. I'd like to do both though.

That one act in itself is not going to be enough though. I don't want to make a New Years resolution because I know I won't keep it, as I haven't kept any I have made before. Instead, I am going to make daily and weekly resolutions. Hopefully then I can do better at achieving them, and if I don't it wont take me nine months to realize I haven't and then give up because it's too late.

So my daily resolution for tomorrow - get out of the apartment.

Let's see how far I get...

... and yes I know this has been a much longer blog. As a side bar, I feel these blogs are more for me than others (as I am sure no one is reading them). Prove me wrong.

All I want for Christmas is...

I haven't got a clue.

Really. You would think that with the bombardment of advertising and the over-commercialization of the holiday that I would be able to come up with something better that I want for Christmas than... handkerchiefs.

Yes, that's the best that I could do.

My problem is that the stuff I really do want is either too expensive to be asked for as a gift, or is far too specific and/or hard to find that I need I literally need to give out the part number and vendor, meaning that there is no thought left in the gift whatsoever and making me feel guilty for asking for something so difficult to get.

To be honest, and I know this may seem very Scrooge-ish, but I really don't like Christmas all that much. I mean, every year it's the same thing - lot's of advertising making you spend more money than is wise and distracting you from the real reason for Christmas. That, coupled with the fact that having been seeing Christmas advertising/products in store since September and having the same old Christmas shows on TV as every other year has made me very... what's the word... over it (I was trying to think of a singular word to better describe it, and I know it's out there, but I just can't recall it at this very moment).

Anyway, it's already Christmas morning, though it's so early I'm sure even the songbirds aren't awake yet.

Hopefully future blogs will not be a rant like this.

Bah humbug.

In the beginning...

It's 3 am, I'm in bed, and I can't sleep.

I just finished watching Julie & Julia, a movie about a woman cooking her way through a cook book and writing a blog about it. After watching it I started having all of my opinions, thoughts, ideas etc. run through my mind. This usually happens to me when I am trying to sleep, and most of the thoughts are long gone by the time I wake up (if I have slept at all). This time though, I decided to write them down - in a blog.

A little about me - my name is Mat, 28, and I live in the suburbs of Sydney, Australia. I like sports, cooking, computer games, TV, and some other stuff I'm sure I'll remember later. This is my first blog, and I have only read a few, so I guess I'll just figure stuff out as I go along.

Now that I have got the basics out of the way. I am stuck on what to write next. I guess it is too early in my blogging life to jump into such heavy issues as politics, the environment, and other stuff that matters, so I am just gonna leave it here for now and try to get some sleep.

Although that seems doubtful...